Bangor ME– Some Bangor residents are getting an unexpected
surprise when they turn on their taps.
Reports have been circulating that a few residential pockets
in the city have been turning on their faucets, only to discover that instead
of water, their pipes are gushing with delicious, delicious beer.
The Bangor
beer scene has blown up in recent years, with a number of craft brewing
operations – outfits large and small – bringing all manner of sudsy goodness to
the area. Craft beer has permeated local culture thoroughly.
But no one could have expected it to be THIS thoroughly.
“We’re honestly not sure what’s happening,” said a city
official speaking under the condition of anonymity. “There’s no logical
logistical explanation for this. I mean, they’re water pipes – how is beer even
getting in there? It makes no sense.”
And while there are plenty of reasons to celebrate the idea
of beer coming from your faucet, there are also a whole lot of concerns –
concerns voiced by several residents dealing with the foamy phenomenon.
“Look, I like beer as much as the next guy,” said Patrick
Evans, a resident of Bangor ’s
Little City neighborhood. “And it was pretty cool to pull a nice, hoppy pint of
IPA right from my kitchen faucet … at first. But man – how the hell am I
supposed to cook? Or wash my dishes? And God help me if I want to do laundry.”
Tree Streets resident Megan Pinyan agrees.
“This might be a beer lover’s dream, but it’s a homeowner’s
nightmare,” she said. “Sometimes, I just want to make some pasta – what, I’m
supposed to boil a coffee-infused porter to cook ziti? How will that even
work?”
The local brewing community is just as baffled.
“We’ve all been talking about this ever since it started,”
said one local brewer who asked not to be identified. “I suppose it’s possible
that one of us is responsible for this and just hiding their involvement, but
it sure seems like everyone is in the same confused boat. It’s weird as hell.
“And really, there’s no reason for any of us to do this,” he
continued. “Why would anyone make it so that free beer flows into someone’s
tap? Financially, it would be a monumentally unwise decision.”
There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to where the
phenomenon has cropped up (or hopped up, if you will); it appears as though
just a handful of adjacent homes are impacted in each area. Thus far, outbreaks
have been documented in the aforementioned Little City and Tree Streets
neighborhoods, as well as in Judson
Heights and Fairmount.
There have also been reports – as yet unconfirmed – in Bangor Gardens .
“It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever encountered,” said the
unnamed city official. “It’s as though the region’s beer scene has become so
engrained that it is somehow manifesting itself in our water supply.”
While this sort of happening might seem unprecedented, one
beer scholar claims that this isn’t the first time something like this has
occurred.
“While we’ve never seen anything quite so widespread as
what’s happening in Bangor , there are sketchy
reports of smaller-scale but similar events in Portland
– the Oregon one – and Burlington ,
Vermont ,” said Dr. Fritz Zymurgy, the Coors
Chair in Beer History at the University
of Colorado Boulder . “But
those outbreaks were isolated to just a few houses. This is frankly
unprecedented.”
As for what happens next, well … no one really knows. Our
unnamed city spokesman certainly doesn’t.
“All we can say is that we’re working on it,” he said with a
shrug. “We have no timetable for when we’re going to be able to fix it. Hell,
we don’t even have a timetable for figuring out what’s happening. We’re teaming
up with local brewers to try and brainstorm some ideas, but for now, people are
just going to have to be patient and sit tight.”
Obviously, it’s not an ideal situation, but hey – at least
you can have a beer while you wait.
(Editor’s note: This is the annual April Fool’s edition of
The Maine Edge. As such, most – if not all – of this story is completely and
utterly made up.)
Original Article- we had nothing to do with this- B-N Staff
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